we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
