I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
