He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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