Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
