Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
