I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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