It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
