i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
