I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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