Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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