tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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