Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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