she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
