Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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