I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
