I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
