I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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