we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
