sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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