Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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