This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
