Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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