Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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