My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
