Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
