Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
