Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
