So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
