Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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