i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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