sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i was born a porn star she said
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
