i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
