I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize