I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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