i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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