I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My pussy is not your playground.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
