Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
