Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
