Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
