The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
This house was built for laser tag.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
