There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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