Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
