i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize