you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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