I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
