I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
