I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
