i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
