it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
