2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
