I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
