I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
