I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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