Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Randomize
