I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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