She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize