Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
