u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
