When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
