There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
